The only things certain in life are death and taxes, as the saying goes. For everything else, change is constant. And unfortunately, a life transition like a divorce can leave you reeling. Not only have you lost the person you loved the most and the family you made together, but you've also lost the identity you've built up during the marriage, whether it lasted one year or 20.
You're no longer "Bob's wife" or "Laura's husband." You're the ex, the only single person amongst married couples. If you're like many people, you may have defined yourself in conjunction with your marriage, and now that that's gone, that identity is lost as well.
That isn't true. You were a whole person before you married, and that didn't change just because you tied the knot. Right now you might be hard-pressed to identify anything positive about this life transition. But just like a phoenix rises from its own ashes to new life, time and again, so too can you rise from the ashes of a divorce as a new person.
Divorce Support: Take the time to mourn
Any time there's a major life transition, be it death, divorce or even a career, it's perfectly normal and even healthy to mourn what you have lost. It was an important part of your life, and you will miss it. Mourn however you need to. Cry whenever you feel like it. Talk to your supportive friends and family. Go for long walks.
But remember: you can't stay in a state of mourning forever. Acknowledge your past life, and even remember it fondly, but at some point you do need to move on.
Divorce Support: Accepting change
Right after your divorce, you may have noticed that no matter how much you wished it wouldn't, the sun still rose every morning. The world didn't stop just because your life turned upside down. You have to accept that change and move on with your new identity. You have to leave the past behind and move on.
Even though you're probably feeling adrift in the sea of a major life transition, know that feeling won't last forever. Like all things, it will come to an end.
Divorce Support: Look to yourself
You may have spent so much time defining yourself by your marriage that you forgot what mattered to you as a person. Now take the time to look at yourself, and consider your old interests, and maybe even discover new ones. What do you like to do? What have you always wanted to try? Take this opportunity to step out a little bit at a time. You may be surprised about what you find during this life transition.
One woman never had a bank account or managed household finances for the entirety of her 18-year marriage. Four years after her divorce, she was running a thriving business. Another man, after trying to commit suicide when his marriage was falling apart, later teamed up with a good friend to start a charity to provide divorce support to others going through major life transitions.
Have you wanted to learn to ski? How about learning cooking or sign language? Maybe you've wanted to travel to Peru and see Macchu Picchu. If there's something you really want to try, now is the time to do it.
Divorce Support: Moving to new relationships
Now that you've been through a divorce, you'll see all relationships in a new light. Look back at your marriage and see what went right and what went wrong. If you and your spouse had communication problems, then you'll know to look for people who are good at expressing themselves.
Don't feel like you have to rush into another serious, committed relationship. Some people move on faster than others, and this is a major life transition you are dealing with. If you're just looking for a relationship because you're lonely or miss intimacy, wait. Take this time to rebuild yourself, so if or when you are ready for a new relationship, you'll have a whole person to offer to your significant other.
Divorce Support: Know yourself
In her article "Discovering Your Single Identity," Christina Basciano wrote, "The key to transforming pain into self-knowledge is to learn to accept that the purpose of life was not generated by the partnership but that the partnership played a role in life's purpose."
Don't view your divorce as a failure, but as the closing of a chapter in your life. Now the page has turned, and it's up to you to write the next words.
Dave Webster & Tolu Adeleye are partners of Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc. and the co-authors of "Stay Sane Through Change: How To Rise Above The Challenges Of Life's Complex Transitions." Don't spend another minute floundering in stasis. Visit http://www.staysanethroughchange.com/book.php today to get a 10 percent discount on the audio book.
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